Nestled away in the back of Room 213 rests the meeting place of the esteemed group of teachers and counselors known as the “Teach Pit.” Seniors in AP Government Teacher Michelle Fournier’s classes are already aware of this clan, as they are welcomed with the image of blown-up pictures of the Teach Pit’s members’ faces every time they enter the classroom.

Don’t feel out of the loop if you don’t know much about the Teach Pit, though. Few students have ever been inside the meeting room of the Teach Pit and even fewer have had a glimpse of the Teach Pit when the members are all assembled. “The Teach Pit truly defies description,” explained the Teach Pit as a collective unit (they speak in “one voice” for those who are unaware). “Some might consider it a teacher lunch room, but in truth, it’s more a state of mind than a place. We like to consider it a ‘Teacher Taj Mahal,’ without slaves or harems, of course.”

The Teach Pit of UC High has quite a history of its own, but it is not the first of its kind by any means. In fact, Teach Pits have been around for centuries now and have made their mark on the course of history. “Thomas Jefferson and James Madison founded the first American Teach Pit in Philadelphia in the late eighteenth century. There was rumored to have been a Teach Pit in St. Petersburg before the writing of the Communist Manifesto, and the Last Supper was actually held in a Teach Pit in Jerusalem. In the show, Beverly Hills, 90210, the writers actually had the kids hang out at a spot called the “Peach Pit,” but we aren’t sure if that’s just a coincidence, or a reference to the greatness of Teach Pits of the past,” said the Teach Pit. However, students would be advised not to quote any of this information on their history tests.

Of course, what makes our school’s Teach Pit so prestigious is the fine collection of faculty members that collectively make up the group. “Our current Teach Pit was founded by a stellar group of staff members after the move of Miss Fournier’s classroom from the skunk-infested doldrums of B-5 to the glorious hallows of Room 213. The founding members of the Teach Pit are Clayton Ballard, Anna Dyson, Donna Fallon, Michele Fournier, Rich Norton, Teem Osborn, Aaron Pores and Lauriann Stanley,” the Teach Pit revealed.

A spot in the vaunted Teach Pit is highly sought after by many other staff members, but it is by no means easy to come by. “Mr. Brown, Mr. Schiller and Mr. Zafuto have stopped by the Teach Pit, but their applications for membership are still under serious committee consideration,” said the Teach Pit. An important note: the Teach Pit does not discriminate against different species as it has already accepted several non-human members. “Cody the Cat and Rocco the Wonder Dog are currently honorary members,” the Teach Pit explained.

To show their Teach Pit pride, members have invested in custom shirts designed by English Teacher Anna Dyson. Her designs have been well-received by the rest of the Teach Pit and have even opened new career opportunities for the English teacher. “Miss Dyson has a definite future in fashion design if this whole teaching thing doesn’t work out,” commented the Teach Pit.

Teach Pit activities are not limited to just eating lunch together in Fournier’s backroom as some may assume. “As Teach Pit members, we often pick a drawer at random from the leftover file cabinets of the music department and sing along. One day, Mr. Norton reached in and picked out the score of Oklahoma! We had a rousing version of ‘Oh What a Beautiful Morning,’ and then the bell rang and we very sadly went and taught fifth period,” said the Teach Pit. They welcome students to come and watch their mini musical productions, but warn that students will be required to join in. And don’t be surprised to find a recording of the performance on Youtube.

When the Teach Pit isn’t partaking in spontaneous renditions of musicals, they revealed that they often find themselves critiquing each other’s choices for lunch. “We enjoy discussing the food selections of Teach Pit members, such as moldy produce taped to referrals, mystery chicken (a favorite of Mr. Pores and Mr. Norton) and imported cookies that seem to have mold on them as well.” However, even moldy cookies cannot taint the grandiose image of the Teach Pit. Because after all, it’s the Teach Pit.